Welcome to Nowhere Helpline

Welcome to Nowhere Helpline

You have experienced it often. You call the helpline of cellular operator or booking office or some public utility and you are greeted by that tinny machinery voice asking you to press all the possible buttons of your handset.
This article might be monitored for quality management and may be recorded for our training program. Beep! If your both eyes are open, press 1, if your one eye is open, press 2 if your both eyes are closed, then how are you reading this? Go back and press 9.
If you wish to read in English, press 1, for Kannada press 2, for Hindi press 3, for Spanish, you are out of luck.
This article is accessible only to our registered customers; please enter your 115 digit number present at the back of this article. If you want to purchase the registration code, please press 1 and wait till our customer care executive attend to you shortly.
Thank you for your patience, press 1 if you have pet dog, press 2 if you have a pet cat. If you don't have any pets, press 3 and buy one.
If you want this article to be read to you press 1, if you want this to be read in Italian, go to Pizza Hut.
If you want to purchase this article, press 0, if you didn't like it, why are reading it? I mean press 1. If you want author of this article to write such article, press 1, if you don't want press 2, if you are fed up of this article, please don't hang up. Your call is important to us. Thank you for your patience.
If you have problem with the IA marks, press 1, if you have problem with the attendance press 2, if you have problem with the department press 3 and wait for the operator. Please do not hangup, someone will attend to you shortly. Press 4 to know how many are waiting like you.
(Chorus: Jingle bell jingle bell jingle all the way.............)
"Hello! Welcome to nowhere helpline. Thank you for your patience, may I know your good name please?"
"@#$%!"
"Hello Mr. @#$%! May I know your USN?"
"*&^%$"
"We appreciate your patience, how can I help you? You are from VTU or autonomous?"
"Autonomous"
I am sorry you have reached the VTU helpline. Please dial 56165464654616587 followed by your 15 digit registration number."
beep beep beep beep
Somebody please call the ambulance.